This is a 2 parter:
First, I am a twisted human being. I actually ENJOY going out shopping close to Christmas. I used to be one of those people shopping on Christmas Eve. Even when I was finished I enjoyed just wandering the mall and watching the mayhem. I still do. Shopping this weekend? Fabulous! Seriously, you all crack me up. You are all SO worked up. You’re shocked and dare I say, PISSED, that the lines are long. That there are 500 people out here with you. Every minute you’re waiting is THE END OF THE WORLD. I know why you’re shopping on Christmas Eve, or if you’re lucky the weekend before. You’re not lazy, you’re busy and you tried to get out earlier but you couldn’t. It’s okay. No one is mad at you. We’re all in the same boat here. We could just laugh about it together. But NO. There is no laughing with you. There is “pff-ing”, and tapping, and shoving. That 30 seconds you saved pushing past me makes all the difference. You’re SO mad, and crazed, you have NO IDEA how ridiculous you look. Yeah, I’m laughing at you. I’m the cheerful one behind you with the coffee debating on whether my friend would like the black bracelets or the pink ones. And I’m the one in your way because I’m trying something on to figure out if I need a large or a medium for my cousin’s girlfriend. See, I can’t grab “whatever” and run because it’s certainly not Ally’s fault I’m behind on Christmas shopping, so here I am spending the extra 5 minutes to make sure the color is right for her. We could be having fun together. Did you know it’s “buy one get TWO free on these necklaces?! Shiny things for everyone!!”. But you’re not having fun. You REFUSE to have fun. And THAT, makes me laugh. And feel sorry for you. See, Christmas is supposed to be FUN. It doesn’t have to be all commercialized if you don’t want it to be, but being more “down to earth” will take time, patience, and an understanding that, yes, there are 500 other people here trying to make merry with you, or not. Imagine how much fun we’d have if we could all be merry together. I mean, by all means keep acting like an idiot, you’re a hell of an entertaining way for me to pass time in these long ass lines, but really, if you just relax and embrace the mayhem it’ll be more fun. Also…. Might I suggest a fun flask?
BUT here’s part 2:
The grocery store. You were all in rare form today! Look, there IS NO WAY AROUND IT. If you are hosting any type of holiday meal you will need to buy food and you will want to buy it fresh. We are all here the couple days before Christmas because we HAVE to be. They haven’t invented a way to buy food a month in advance and keep it fresh. Don’t say “the freezer”. Calm the hell down. Stop shoving your cart into mine because I stopped for a hot second to pick up the toy my son dropped. He’s behaving wonderfully, stop glaring at him because he’s keeping you from ever getting to the yogurt. They have plenty and won’t run out in the next 45 seconds. I said I was sorry when I had to cut around you, you don’t own the gravy aisle. I’m sorry that this is the first time I’ve ever decided to make hot roast beef and I’m having trouble figuring out what kind of gravy I need. You’re not funny right now, you’re just mean. We all need fresh food, calm down. I must have apologized to 2 dozen people today who didn’t even acknowledge me. Excepting 3 people who made the trip worthwhile (other than my husband and baby). Running into Jess! It’s been over a year since I’ve seen her, much to the other shoppers chagrin because we stood in front of the cheese no one wanted for a whole 5 minutes. The nice man who stopped dead to try to cheer up my son when he got upset because I took the sopressata away after he dropped it on the floor 6 times. And the sweet guy I fell into when I stepped out of the way of a woman who knew what the hell kind of gravy she needed. He caught me and laughed. I’d lay odds he didn’t really know what kind of gravy he needed either… Which is why he was heading for the soup.
So look. The mall? I get it that you’re mad at yourself for waiting to the last minute, again, to shop. I think you’re being silly, but I get it and while I’m laughing, I am sorry for your distress. But the food shopping. You people NEED to calm down. Crowds at the Wegmans 3 days before Christmas are not a personal attack on you. They’re a given. Really… They should have started the wine tasting at 10 today….
myrandomuniverse 